I used to be like that once. Until 1974, when Santa never made into Darwin (Northern Territory, Australia) on Christmas Day for a RIP Jarad Anthony Higgins Juice Wrld shirt. The first evacuees down the steps of a huge jumbo jet were 2 people I knew. I absolutely lost it when I saw they were okay. Ever since then I have had no problem showing people how I feel. I may not be the world’s most huggy, touchy, feely person, but I have no difficulty shedding tears any more.
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Congratulations, you grew up and found the RIP Jarad Anthony Higgins Juice Wrld shirt, it can be very painful, but growth is seldom without pain, because pain is the big teacher in life. I am very sorry for your loss, but I can assure you that you will love the real you, if not today, then tomorrow or the next day. I love what Gibran says: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”