Needless to say, a kid that’s been denied everything and beaten silly and suddenly granted all freedoms Daddy you are as loyal as mario as strong as Pikachu link sonic shirt. I went off the rails and they watched, knowing that they’d lose me one way or another. And they did. They lost me to an awesome, fucked up cult that I am *extremely* grateful for, which is a whole new level of daddy issues. In this domain, good and evil are all mixed together and indistinguishable and it’s so confusing. One has to survive by feel. One tries to feel better and avoid punishment. One tries to please the unpleasable father figure, and one always, inevitably fails. I finally realized that a year and a half ago when I quit my career. It is impossible to please the patriarchy as a female with agency. How long was I trying? How long did it take to realize that I was like Sisyphus, doomed to keep repeating my impossible task? FORTY YEARS.Lucky I’m bi. He didn’t attend my wedding — the only member of my family who didn’t. My cousins from Canada and Paris flew in, but not dear old dad, because, you know, gay marriage is an abomination in the Greek Church. And my daddy is trying to sell all his books to the churches and plus he was almost a priest so, he picked his side, and he picked it early. When I told him, at 45, that I was engaged to be married to a woman, he said, ‘Well, why the hell not? You’ve tried every man out there.” And then didn’t show up at the wedding. No RSVP. My brother walked my mother down the aisle.
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Fast forward forty years. I love my father very very much. I see him as a flawed human beings who did his best. My father, at 8, lived through war atrocities. Nazis and headless corpses. Starvation. Immigration. All kinds of things. And my father fucked me up for good. I’ve never been able to be truly close to a man. It’s not that I haven’t tried, or had long relationships with them. It’s just that I could never trust them not to hurt me, to turn on me, to grind me under their heel into dust so that I could not damage their family name or reputation or morality ideas. Men have always abused me, and I always had to leave them. I was ill-treated by almost every man I loved, and they were always the farthest thing from my father that I could find. For a long time, I couldn’t stand my father so badly that anything that reminded me of him made me flee. So I didn’t go after bad boys or older men or anything like that.You think that’s an ouch? That is the nature of every conversation we have. He is unable to speak to me without disrespecting me and talking shit about me. He rolls his eyes when I speak. He talks shit about me when I leave the table. And he can’t help it. I love him. He loves me. I don’t know how to forgive him. It’s so complex I am afraid of therapy. What good could it do? What’s done is done. No way I was going to have kids after what I went through. But I don’t blame him either. I love him. It has to be karma. How could it have been otherwise?