We weren’t allowed to see him at the hospital this time as he was having his stomach pumped and Cute Because Halloween Zombie Avocado design shirts. The doctors at least, finally, agreed, that he needed long term inpatient care. We were told we wouldn’t be able to see my brother until the next day so we went home and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the next step. I felt like the weight of the world was jut crushing me. It was hard to breathe. Then my Dad called and blamed me for everything.
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He told me it was my fault that my brother had tried to kill himself an that he was going to fight me for custody of Cute Because Halloween Zombie Avocado design shirts. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. Even though I know my father is a monster he is still my father and I am supposed to be his daughter, his words hurt so much. I spent last night sobbing, feeling guilty, endlessly turning over all of the choices I’ve made for myself and on my brothers behalf wondering if I could have helped him more, made his life easier or better. I felt sick. I didn’t sleep at all until almost 6 in the morning.